Where Do I Sign?

One of my biggest time wasters hobbies is perusing home listings online. It’s like pulling a Gladys Kravitz from Bewitched without having to lug the cup over to pretend you need to borrow sugar. No cover required. It’s straight up snooping and it’s totally legal. You can judge people from the comfort of your laptop. Wheeee!

We have no plans to move anytime soon, so it’s purely recreational at this point. I love getting decorating ideas (not that I ever implement any, but it’s nice to look) from the expensive homes. I thoroughly enjoy scoffing at their indulgent decor in their million-dollar homes, even though one vase on their shelf costs more than my car did new.

Sometimes in your travels, you stumble on homes that don’t quite make the grade. I don’t even know why I clicked on this listing, but the wombat in me had to peruse every room before I moved on to the next available property.

My tour came to a screeching halt when I viewed what appeared to be the master bedroom. It  raised a number of disturbing questions:

1. Good Lord. Is that a person in the bed?!

2. Did someone work the night shift and the photographer just didn’t want to disturb them?

3. Are they even alive?

4. Should I alert the authorities?

5. Is that hose-like thing on the near side of the bed some type of medical apparatus that’s keeping them breathing?

6. Why can’t I unsee any of this?

7. Is that a personal safe under the dresser that is now rife for the taking since anyone viewing this has their address?

8. If we went to view the house, would that person still be in the bed?

9. If the person was in the bed, could I reach that personal safe in time to swing it around wildly in self-defense?

10. Should I maybe find a new hobby?