To me, white trash is more a state of mind and related behaviors than an indication of someone’s socioeconomic status. Following are five things that make me feel like the queen of my own little white trash kingdom:
1. Smelling like bacon.
Bacon as a food = awesome.
Bacon as a fragrance ≠ awesome.
Sometimes when we’re in a meal rut or there’s nothing else in the house to eat, I’ll make breakfast for dinner. It helps to drum up excitement about it. “Hey, everybody–who wants to have breakfast for dinnerrrrr?! Yay! Pancakes and bacon!”
It isn’t just cooking at home that does it. Coming home from a dinner out wearing eau de pork belly is also gross. Our favorite Italian restaurant always leaves us smelling of triple-fried corn dog, which is odd, because they don’t sell triple-fried corn dogs (is there such a thing?).
At any rate, I always wear the coat I can toss in the washer in case a good post-dinner airing out doesn’t do the trick. Wearing my jeans a second day isn’t an option either. And it’s not just my clothes–these odors seem to linger longest in my hair. I never notice it until I turn my head quickly and catch a whiff of my own bacony locks.
Ever been behind someone in line at the grocery store who smells like they just climbed out of a Fry Daddy? That’s how I feel when I leave the house after one of my famous “breakfast for dinner” meals. And it keeps on giving. The next day I when I step into the shower, the warm moisture reactivates the bacon scent in my hair. Mmm. Onion ring infused Grapefruit shower gel.
2. Doing the white-trash holler.
For true white trash, this maneuver invariably includes the words “GET OVER HEEERRRE!” Anytime I’m outdoors and have to call out loudly for my geriatric dog or my children who suffer from selective hearing, I want to crawl under a rock afterward. For the record, I never say “get over here,” but I feel just as trashy no matter what I’m out there hollerin’ about.
3. Having a hole in my car’s exhaust system.
Over the years, I’ve had everything from a pinhole to a gaping cavern that produced a level of noise akin to a passing Army tank. At every stop light, I felt as if people were staring and judging as I idled in my louder-than-bombs love mobile, but I always found myself laughing everywhere I went. Something about being in that trashy sounding sedan made me giggle. Not much I could do about it until I got into the shop, so why not laugh about it, right? It was either that or put on my Bieber costume to distract them. Nobody would care about the noise if the Bieb had been driving. Is he even old enough to drive yet?
4. Wearing holey socks (or having my kids wear them).
If I know I’m going to be trying on shoes, I’ll select a pair of socks that don’t have a gauzy heel or evidence of holes. Sometimes, though I’ll shop on a whim or stop at someone’s house and politely remove my shoes only to feel the cool tile of their foyer directly on the skin of my bare heel. Nice socks, Ellie Mae.
5. Tchotchkes in the Garden.
When our dog, Annabelle, passed away, I had a flat stone engraved with “Annabelle’s Garden” and a paw print. Seemed like a tasteful, transportable reminder of her. She loved bunnies and frogs, so I put those two small garden critters next to the stone. I will fully admit that I’d love a garden gnome, thanks to the movie Amelie. And the adorable “stone” snail I saw at the store. Is that so wrong? Would it be okay to get those if I swear to never get these?
Am I alone on my white trash island or have you been here too?
From You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun:
omg, my mom has that garden globe AND stand. she LOVES putting junk all around her backyard. when i first separated and moved back in with her, bringing my two dogs, they started destroying everything in her yard. she got all kinds of mad but i just told her they were doing her a favor.
and sooooo true on the bacon. it fucking sticks around like nobody’s business. i notice it for sure in my hair after i’ve been to a diner restaurant, like denny’s or ihop. sick and delicious at the same time.
You’re Lucky I Don’t Have a Gun recently posted..Remember That Wedding I Was In
From Wombat Central:
Tell your mom no offense intended. Then toss out that gazing ball when she’s not looking. ;D
From Elle:
I love breakfast for dinner and bacon is a requirement but I hate how the smell lingers in the house for days. I have a bacon ritual I do whenever we make it. I always open a few windows then later on I open even more windows and light some candles which makes it smell like vanilla bacon. blech.
I’ll also spray my hair with my leave in conditioner to try and mask the bacon smell and blow dry it for a minute but my hair ends up smelling like cocunut bacon afterwards. Even though the bacon scent wins every time, I continue to do these things because I never learn.
I will never understand lawn flamingoes. Was the U.S. overrun with pink flamingoes at one point? Did they just hang out in people’s yards and someone who didn’t have any became jealous so they made their own plastic ones? The one where the lady is mowing the lawn is klassy with a K. Now I know what to give my husband for his birthday in June.
I would love to have a garden gnome. They’re strangely appealing.
Elle recently posted..Happy 2nd Birthday- Little Hummingbird!
From Karyn Climans:
Jeez … now I’m going to have to go through my sock drawer and throw out all of my socks with a couple of threads holding together the heels.
I bought a plaque commemorating my dog, Kelev, too! I don’t thing that’s cheesy – I think that’s adorable. And I certainly hope someone plants a tree and puts a large plaque in a local park when I kick the bucket. Too bad if that makes me white trash!!! LOL
From If By Yes:
Things that make me feel like white trash:
Having an open garbage bag sitting in the kitchen (husband starts to collect recyclables into a bag and then gets sidetracked).
Eating Kraft Dinner for dinner
Reading Twilight
If By Yes recently posted..In Which Carol Reads Eclipse And Throws A Book Against A Wall
From Curiosity:
I like that the sign beside mower woman says “used”. …Just looks appropriate, somehow.
Curiosity recently posted..Back- Foul Autotuned Creature!
From Stephanie M Andrews:
oooh, I can’t wait to have a proper yard again so I can add in some plastic pink flamingo flair!
ps – so sorry to here that Shmoopy is having a rough go lately – sending her tummy rubs!
Stephanie M Andrews recently posted..Guilty Dog and Drunken Seals are my Favourite
From bonnie cronin:
I can be so red neck!
My house always smells like bacon, always.
I have so much yard crap it’s not funny. I have TWO gazing globes, bird bath, frogs, stepping stones, oh the list can go on and on.
I’ll wear socks with holes all the time especially if they aren’t that old. Same goes with with underwear.
I whistle for my sons, just like you would for a dog.
But I call my dogs in by calling them babies.
bonnie cronin recently posted..A Childs Perspective On My Travel Pictures