Dear Taylor Swift,
I don’t know jack squat a great deal about your music except for the one song my 5-year-old daughter is digging on lately. I’m sure you’re fab, since you’ve stolen all those awards from Beyoncé won so many fine awards (although it was painful to watch you attempt a “duet” with Stevie Nicks on the Grammys. Who got table-dance drunk and came up with that unlikely pairing?).
Anyway, I’m just wondering what’s going on with your eyes. More specifically, your eye makeup. I wrote those words in slanty italics to match your slanty, slutty, half shut, caked-with-makeup eyes. Are your fake lashes too heavy for your lids? Really, because every time I’ve seen you steal win an award I think to myself, “What is up with girlfriend’s eyes? Is she high? Is she sleepy? Is she afraid to open them for fear of seeing Kanye West charging the stage?”
I did manage to find one picture where the makeup doesn’t seem as heavy, and I can see those peepers. Girl, they’re pretty! Looks as if you’re posing for pics in your bra, too, but that’s a topic for another letter.
So, take some advice from a lady who probably wouldn’t recognize you in person a friend, and scale back the Mary Kay a couple notches. Your overworked lids will thank you.